Back On

Ok. I know I am finally rolling into 2002 and writing a blog. I actually started this blog a couple of years ago and then sorda forgot about it. Recently I have been thinking about writing again in my free time. So much has changed in our life because Mandy and I had our first child Caroline, who is the most beautiful, brilliant, and fun baby that I have ever known. We have a blast with her every day.

Everyone said that my life would change when I had a kid, but one change that I didn't expect was my vocabulary. All of a sudden there are all kinds of new words coming off my lips as if I have said them my whole life. The most used word that I never used pre-caroline: fussy. I honestly can't even think of a context that I would have used that word before Dec 06. "I had a good day until my boss became fussy..." Probably not. Also, I use words like burpie, blanky, pack n play, diapee, wipee, etc. I should stop. Sorry about that.

What I have learned upon being a father without being too cliche:

Obviously Caroline has reminded me of God's unconditional love for me. Because Caroline doesn't do much for me in return, but I love her with a love that I have never felt. Though she doesn't give me much, her smile back at me is really all I need. I once gave her a bath simply because I knew that would make her smile - it makes my day. But even in my seemingly unconditional love, I recognize that I am limited in my love for her. I can't truly unconditionally love her. I long to love her like that, but they are stained with selfish moments that even push me toward a God who's love is not stained with any selfishness.

Also, the responsibility meter is now off the chart since she was born. Mandy and I were so unencumbered especially with the last 5 years with free flights. We literally walked up the airport to spontaneously go see family and friends all the time. Now, just running to the grocery store takes 30 minutes to get everything ready for her.

Also, I think no matter what stage of life you are in, there is a temptation to assume that you are in control. Now that we have a baby, we would do anything for her and we want to be in control of her safety, future, feedings, etc. But you realize even though you try to be in control, you simply aren't. It is another lesson in the journey of realizing how dependent we are on God. It has been really good for me to recognize my utter dependence on God for her and for everything in life.

Ultimately I am reminded that love is about service. I have multiple opportunities a day to gird myself up and hold, rock, soothe her at all hours of the day. I realize that love is not necessarily feeling great feelings about her when I see her smile, but it is serving her and serving her mom. This is a continual lesson of changing our cultural view of love and moving toward the love that Jesus showed us - putting others interests above your own. It is so countercultural.

Those are some of the things that I am learning during the first 8 weeks. We feel so blessed to have her! Praise God for her.